going back to the start //

This past year has been the most eventful year of my life. 

A few highlights:

• I birthed a new little life into the world. He arrived two weeks earlier than expected, and has stolen my heart since his arrival. 
• I celebrated my first Mother's Day, Hubby celebrated his first Father's Day. 
• I turned 30. Hubby turned 30 {5 months before I did. Booyah.}Though it was rather uneventful, superseded by the birth of my son, I have enjoyed being 30.
• Hubby finished graduate school.
• Our little family moved to new apartment. We moved out of my family's home and into our own apartment again. 
• I learned to accept the balance of working motherhood. I can't have it all, but I can have quality time with my family and an engaging career.
• I updated my professional license, and will hopefully never have to take a standardized licensing exam. Ever. Again.

Goals for 2014:

• Blogging: I miss this part of my life. Where I share the things that are going on in my life with the cyber world. It was such a fun part of my life in years past, and I miss it. 
• Working out: like many things in my life, this has been on the back burner for most of 2013. I'd like to change that for 2014 and get back into my old, good habits of running and exercising regularly.
• Photography: Something else I miss from my "former" life -- taking photographs. Though I have thousands of my adorable child, I'd like to take another class and get some photo editing software to further develop this skill. 
• Being kind to myself. 
• Re-engaging myself and my family into our faith community.

give thanks.

it's been months since my last post. i suppose it means something along the lines of "i've been so busy doing life that i haven't had time to blog". we're now in to the holiday season, and our charming little boy is now 9 months old! nine! months! old! i can't believe it. these have been some of the most challenging and rewarding months of my life. it's difficult to remember what life was like before this little one joined our family.

i'm thankful for  many things this year. among them: family, friends, health, and faith. 

xoxo,

pj

weeks 14 & 15 // father's day!

These past weeks have been really busy for our little family. Hubby has started his final quarter in grad school, which includes a clinical immersion component at a suburban hospital. We have been juggling our schedules so that we're each home with L 1-2 days per week, and then a family friend has been babysitting him for us 2 days / week. So far, it's been working out just fine. It's all going to change again when Hubby graduates in August -- when we will look for a more permanent childcare provider and have a more predictable schedule. I've been enjoying my days with the little guy, though some are better than others, depending on whether or not he complies with napping. He still fusses just before falling asleep, and sometimes he skips the naps altogether, but we just try to take it as it is. He's been sleeping well through the night, though occasionally waking between 12a-2a, 3a-4a, and then around 6a.

He has been spending more time in the Bumbo seat, and playing with his friends on the floor gym. He's started trying to put everything he can get his hands on into his mouth. He also has been drooling like a fool, which causes him a little rash around his chin. Overall, he's a happy little guy. Papa started doing a new move with him "chest bumps" which he loves - he squeals and smiles.

We celebrated Hubby's first father's day with Chicago-style dogs and I got the boys matching Darth Vader bicycle t-shirts. It was a good day. I just love watching the two of them interact. And the way that L smiles when papa talks to him and smiles at him? It's the sweetest thing.



 



Things I've learned in the past two weeks:

• Levi does not {I repeat ... does NOT} like the pacifier. I've tried, Hubby has tried, Grandma and Grandpa have tried. He just doesn't want it. I know that this will save us the difficulty of "taking the paci away day" when he's six months old, but sometimes I think it would be nice if he would just take it. Instead, he loves shoving his fingers and tiny little hands into his mouth.


• Cloth diapering may not be for us {gasp!}. I {we} simply cannot keep up with the laundry as-needed for cloth diapering. There are days when we do better than others, but I've resigned myself to the fact that it's okay. I'm holding on to all of our diapers that I have in the stash to hopefully resume when we have a better handle on our schedule. For now, we are using Seventh Generation disposables {which I love}, and have tested out The Honest Company disposables as well {which we will likely purchase in the future}.


• Breastfeeding, pumping, etc. is a lot of work! Not only is it difficult to figure out timing for pumping at work, I spend more time washing and sanitizing breast pump parts than I even imagined possible. Before I went back to work, I pumped consistently before bedtime, but that was it. Now, I pump about 3 times per day if I'm gone the entire day, plus once before bed. This week, I pumped twice in the car ... which is just awkward. Although it's challenging {again, some days better than others}, I am so grateful to have this experience. Breastfeeding is very important to me, and I'm hopeful that we'll make it to a year {or maybe longer}.

More updates to come!

xoxo,

PJ

11 weeks

 



L is 11 weeks old and seems to be changing each day. He really responds to voices, especially his papa's voice. He loves bath time and flails his little arms and legs as if to be saying to us "see, mama & papa, look what I can do". I adore it. He still has not been taking good naps during the day, so my hunch is that we will need to start working on this. We take daily walks and notice that he can see further now and respond to our faces from further distances. L loves talking with Grandma and Grandpa. It's such a blessing that he's able to bond with them in this special way. I'm excited to see what type of relationship he has with them as he gets older. Lennon has been more interested in the baby, and we now let him lick L's toes -- and then he just doesn't want to stop. I hope that these two are going to be best buds.

This week we switched cloth diaper brands, and are having a much better time with the new brand. I'll have a post about  diapering in the future as we figure out what works best for us -- and what disposables we use when we travel and are out and about. I'm also feeling more confident about heading back to work after reaching out to a few working mamas and reading some uplifting articles about working motherhood.

xoxo,

PJ

weeks 9 & 10

This post is a bit late, since L is now 11 weeks old, but since that post isn't ready yet -- here you go.

This little guy is such a joy. And he seems to be changing each day. Every morning, Hubby and I comment that his face looks bigger. Ha! He's making more sounds, and has been really enjoying playing on the floor with his "friends" -- this time they are the animals that hang above him. He's also crying louder and more dramatically {as in, kicking his legs when he's really worked up}.

He's smiling more and more each day. My heart just melts every time. I can't help it.

 

He's been on a "nap strike" for the past two weeks. Instead of taking a nice long afternoon nap like he did before, he's been sleeping in 30-45 minute increments throughout the day. And I can tell that he's so sleepy, he just keeps fighting it. Poor guy. In other sleep news, he has been sleeping consistently from about 8pm - 5:30am. He wakes crying, Hubby changes him, and then he smiles until he's nursing again. It's the sweetest thing. It pretty much started on the day that he turned 8 weeks and has continued since then, his shortest stretch since then has been 7.5 hours, which is still fine by me. It allows me some down time in the evenings after he's asleep, and a solid 5 hours of sleep / night.

We're still working on the schedule, especially since he's not been napping. I'm just being patient with myself and with him to figure out what works best for us.

xoxo,

PJ

 

thoughts on motherhood: part two

As my maternity leave comes to an end {I'm back to work full time two weeks from today}, I realized this week that I should probably start preparing myself for what will inevitably be a rather emotional transition. I never thought that I would want to be a full time stay-at-home-mama. Pretty much since we've been married, I have said that working part-time would be my ideal situation: I would get to spend quality time with our babes, and continue on my career path that I had spent so much time establishing. Funny how things change. If you ask me today, given the choice between returning to work and staying home with our babe, I would probably choose to stay home. As our pregnancy was a complete surprise, thus very little planning beyond the nine months, I will be returning to work full time {at least  until Hubby graduates in August and subsequently lands a job -- then my dreams of part time workery may become a reality}. Our child care is still up in the air due to Hubby's unknown clinical rotation schedule. Though I know that things always have a way of working themselves out, this only adds to the list of "things for which we cannot prepare".

I've turned into a bit of a hermit since birthing this boy, and I think that it's subconsciously because I know that I have to go back to work. I want to soak up all the time that I can with him. I want to spend my days cuddling with him, feeding him, putting him to bed, taking walks and watching him become more interactive every day -- because it feels like I'm going to miss out on so many of his days. This has really been a struggle for me -- the guilt of returning to work,  leaving this babe and the "well I'm the only one who knows how to {fill in the blank} for Levi". I'm slowly learning to accept that he will be fine; we will be fine. I know that some mamas aren't able to take much time off after giving birth, some mamas don't want to take an extended leave, and that other mamas know from the beginning that they will not return to work. The beauty is that there's a middle ground -- and this is where I've landed. This is my journey of motherhood: to figure out how to be a mother, work outside of our home, to find a balance between my career and my little family.



I've been reading a lot of "mommy blogs" lately for extra doses of encouragement and inspiration. Although a majority of them are home with their littles full time, a few of my favorites are: Love Taza, Jen Loves Kev, Dear Baby, and Nat the Fat Rat. I particularly love NTFR's posts on breastfeeding, and DB's posts discussing working motherhood.

...more to come, of this I am certain.

xoxo,

PJ

mother's day

today was my first mother's day. i remember last year celebrating this day with my mama and wondering if i was ever going to celebrate being a mother. life is silly like that, sometimes. fast forward to this mother's day and BAM i'm a mama. we celebrated by going to church with my parents, and both of my sisters {my middle sister who lives in michigan surprised us by coming for the weekend!!}. we celebrated with a little family nap after church and lunch -- though abbreviated by baby levi's current "nap strike". we took a few photos outside with my mama to end our little celebration.



hubby {& levi} got me a gift certificate for a massage and a beautiful mother's necklace that i fell in love with a few years ago {again, wondering when/if i would ever be a mama}. it was the perfect gift to celebrate this beautiful day and new adventure of motherhood.

i feel loved, blessed, and am so very grateful for this special day.

happy mother's day to the mamas, soon-to-be-mamas, and the hope-to-be-mamas.

xoxo,

PJ

8 weeks

i start all of these updates the same {or similar} way: "it's hard to believe ..." BUT it is hard to believe how much our little dude has grown over these past weeks - he's officially outgrown all of the newborn sized clothing, and now in 3 month sizes though they're a little big in the legs. his cheeks kill me. levi now coos and says "goo" {so now i keep saying he will someday be the CEO of Google}. he's more alert, tracking objects and faces with his eyes. it melts my heart when hubby sits next to him and plays the guitar during tummy time, or makes up a song and sings to levi about "milkies".

he's also growing more interested in his bouncy chair / rocker where he hangs out with his "friends" aka the animals hanging overhead. now that the weather has been better, we've been getting out for more walks, and trying to get a schedule going for our day. it pretty much starts around 6am - 7am, and then he snoozes every 2 hours for 30-45 minutes until the afternoon when he naps for 1-3 hours.

these last two weeks have been a bit challenging as levi's periods of fussiness seem to have increased - and a few really difficult overnights with him waking every 1-2 hours to nurse and/or waking because of gas. we've tried gripe water, gas drops, and now trying some probiotics to see if it helps. we also have to burp him frequently. he's just a gassy guy. i've also cut dairy out of my diet completely to see if that helps at all. so far, i can't tell - but i'm going to give it a few more weeks and then see how he responds to it. these past few nights, he's done better - and last night he slept in his longest stretch so far: 7.5 hours. i almost cried.

even bleary-eyed in the middle of the night, i can't help but smile when i see this little guy who needs his mama. it's a feeling that is hard to describe, and i wouldn't trade it for anything.

xoxo,

PJ

PS: hubby dressed levi for the day ... cracks me up mostly because he's wearing little socks that look like high tops and a  onesie that says "mommy rocks" {and he knows how i feel about the cheesy onesies ...}.

PPS: it was extremely windy today, hence the hand on the head and the fly-aways. but levi's facial expression in the second photo is my favorite.

6 weeks

 

it's hard to believe that baby L is now 6 weeks old. these past weeks have been some of the most challenging and rewarding weeks of my life. you mamas know what i mean by that. i wouldn't trade these weeks for the world. and i wouldn't complain if L would sleep for 7 continuous hours overnight.

L is starting to sleep for longer stretches at nighttime (5.5 is the most so far ...). he's also starting to do a late morning / early afternoon nap that gives this mama a nice little break to shower, get dressed, and eat a meal with both hands. he's developed a case of baby acne, or some sort of a rash which makes his little face look so sad. i hope it goes away soon :( he started smiling more this week, which just cracks me up. it's adorable! he also has been doing more "giggles" in his sleep, which just make me so excited for the time that he's going to actually giggle while he's awake and entertained with something. he's still growing and eating like a champ. papa has still been doing a few bottles a week, and L chugs it down pretty well. he's a pretty gassy baby, so we're still figuring out how best to help him with that. poor little guy. now that the weather has been warmer, we have been trying to get out for a little walk every day. and although i have my go-ahead from my midwife to start working out again, i've given myself two more weeks to get L on more of a schedule.

in partially related news, i've officially reached my halfway point of my maternity leave. it's crazy to think that i've got to go back to work in 6 weeks when all i currently want to do is watch L every waking moment so i don't miss anything. this will be a difficult transition, i just know it. good thing i've got a few more weeks to figure out my feelings.

xoxo,

PJ

easter 2013

 

this year, we celebrated easter for the first time as a family of three {four with lennon}. we took L to church for the first time and he got to meet more of our friends and family. although it's super distracting taking a newborn to church, it's important to Hubby and I that we introduce L to church and teach him the importance of faith in our lives. hopefully this is something that L will incorporate into his life as well. i find myself overwhelmed with the responsibility to teach him about love and faith; also blessed that this is something that i get to share with him.

after church, we continued the celebration of easter with dinner, a family nap, and then opened easter baskets from both sets of grandparents. although L didn't get any easter candy {mama did, so i guess he got to taste some cadbury chocolate} - he did get some new toys, a few outfits, and a book about easter from Hubby's parents.

it was a special day made complete by L wearing his very first "outfit" put together by mama - a white button down, cardigan, and pants. this prompted our first easter family photo {see above}.

i will just make one more comment about how husbands suddenly become 10x more attractive when they're holding your baby?? dang.



xoxo,
PJ

4 weeks

 

our little dude turned 4 weeks last thursday. i cannot believe how fast these past weeks have gone. i love taking these weekly photos because it's fun to track how much L has changed. he's starting to fill out more, and his cheeks are starting to get bigger - i can't help but kiss them 100x a day! it's so fun to watch him discover things, respond to voices and track with his eyes. he really likes the sunlight and the sound of mama and papa's voice. he loves to be swaddled for night time sleep {although there's not much night time sleep happening}. he's not so crazy about bath time or snot sucker time. he loves hanging out on the changing table and looking at the face of whoever is changing him. he's gassy a lot and poots and burps almost as loud as his papa. he gets lots of hiccups and makes an adorable little whimper sound after he lets out a huge burp. he purses his lips when he's pooping.

his eyes look blue now, but we wonder when they settle on their color if they will stay blue like papa's or change to green like mama's. L still nurses like a champ and eats 10-14 times a day. he took his first bottle from dad on the day he turned 4 weeks and did great! we've also introduced the paci, but L still isn't crazy about it, and doesn't like to take it from mama. he loves to sleep on grandpa's chest for little snoozes; grandma works her magic when L is mister fussy pants. he grunts and squeaks so much that one of his nicknames is "squeaks". L doesn't love tummy time, but tolerates it enough to wiggle around and bob his head up and down with lots of encouragement.

these are the things i want to remember about these first weeks with our little dude.

xoxo,

PJ

thoughts on motherhood: part one

let me start by stating: mothers rule.

before becoming a mother {just a little under a month ago}, i had no idea about the amount of anxiety i would experience about every. little. thing. i've spent more time googling things these past few weeks than i have in the past year. nipple confusion? acid reflux? baby poop colors, textures, and frequency? baby hiccups? baby lip quiver? when to introduce a bottle to a newborn? i'm not being dramatic. on top of the googling, i've been reading various philosophies about sleep training newborns and babies. phew.

i found myself worrying about whether or not L would have nipple confusion if we introduced a pacifier. or when we introduce the bottle, if he will like the bottle more than the breast. it all came to a head at about three weeks postpartum. i was sleep-deprived and emotionally exhausted. not only was i adjusting to this new life with our little guy, but i was spending my *spare* energy worrying about things that may or may not ever happen. in reality, L is on the fence about the pacifier, we still haven't introduced the bottle, baby hiccups are common, and his poop is normal. after an epic meltdown, i felt a weight lifted from my soul - and each day since then has been better.

L eats like a champ and latched on just after he was born, and has been consistent with eating ever since. but since i'm the only one able to feed him, means that he's attached to one of my boobies every 1-3 hours, 24 hours / day. i find myself in this strange state of exhilaration and exhaustion. i do think it's a incredible that my giant boobies have finally been put to work {and man, are they a workin'}.  i love the little grunts he makes when he eats, the way his little hand finds a place to rest hooked around my shirt, and the face he makes just after a marathon feed {i call it "milk face"}. i'm so grateful to have this experience and to bond with my little boy in this way. is it work? yes. but to me, it's worth the sometimes sore nipples and multiple sleep interruptions.

as far as the anxiety goes about doing everything "right" ... one of the best things i've read so far from the baby books? "do what feels natural". i feed L when he shows signs of hunger, without concern for whether or not it's been an hour or three since his last feed. when he's restless in his bassinet, i cuddle him in bed until he calms down and sleeps. i'm not interested in debating the hot topics {breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping, etc.}. i'm learning to trust my instincts. i'm learning what L responds to and what he needs to feel loved and secure. after all, isn't that what it's all about?

xoxo,

a new momma

i know that breastfeeding is a hot button to press in the motherhood world. i would like to say that my own process has led me to have no judgement for those who have not enjoyed or been able to breastfeed. i am simply sharing my opinion about this topic -- my first and only experience with it.